Absence makes the brain grow healthier?

Hello everyone. I’m sorry for the long in between posts. In January, I had another brain injury.  I fell on some ice and smacked the back of my head, small gash, but I lost consciousness for a short time. I have been out of work since January and it is been really hard for me and my family. Now let me make this clear this is not a pity post, nor am I looking for sympathy, it’s just the fact. For those of you who have brain injury that are reading my blog you know exactly what I mean or maybe not exactly but you get the idea because everyone’s injury is different and affects people differently.

A lot of my functions affected by this brain injury more than the others and that is difficult for me to comprehend. It’s not difficult to comprehend in the basic understanding of how it happened but the fact that happened happened has made it difficult for me to understand. I am in speech therapy OT and PT now and I feel like I’ve made some gains which is great. But I find myself not being able to fully relax and recover because of all the BS I deal with Short-term disability.

Cue rant disclaimer: how the hell are you supposed to get better by resting your brain and not getting stressed out when these companies asked you for multiple pieces of paper constantly not giving you your benefit because they’re missing some stupid note from your doctor when your doctor is already sent it by way of post, email and fax… You have bills piling up the wide zoo phone calls constantly about past due balances but yeah relax and don’t think about things and just do your homework for your therapy so your brain okay better… not happening, so what do you do what does one do when this kind of the situation? At my latest doctors appointments they spoke a lot about mental health and depression and how that can hinder your ability to get well, but how can I not be depressed and anxious  when I feel like everything is a hurdle to getting well?

Anyhow I don’t want a boy you guys with further rants I just wanted to check in with everyone since it’s been a while. I would also like to say how much I appreciate the built-in speech to text for dictation system that the MacBook Pro has an it otherwise I would not be able to write this post. I use it for writing emails dictating text messages working on my calendar to help keep my appointments in order. Not a lot of people realize that is built-in to the Mac it’s not Siri it’s different it’s more exact but still not perfect. It’s definitely not as exact as Dragon dictation but there is not a dictation software for Mac that I am aware of. So if you would like to not know more about this built-in dictation on Mac please leave me a message and I’ll do my best to show you how to access it.  Or if you have a suggestion for me other than this dictation that is better please also leave me a message because I’m looking for new ways to be able to continue my writing. To read this thank you for following me and I hope to be more consistent in the future with my posts. Have a blessed day.

This is my screensaver on my computer: It really expresses how I feel right now.

Feel better!

By now, everyone knows that fun app that you can use on Facebook that takes all of  your most commonly used words and makes a cool infographic. If I was to make an infographic about the most commonly used phrases that  said to me are “feel better” and “how are you feeling?” would be HUGE.

 

Don’t misunderstand me, I appreciate those who take time out of their day to wish me well or check in on me.  What makes it hard, is the realization that my health is one of the first things that people think of when they want to talk to me.  Since 1997, I have worked with individuals with Developmental Disabilities. I often wondered if this is how they felt, always being addressed as a “person with Autism or ” a person with Down’s Syndrome. The person is never just the disability, and I have been a staunch advocate for that…

Having said that, I never truly knew what it felt like to be an “individual with a disability” until I was a person with a disability. Like any other disability, it shouldn’t define who you are, but in all reality and in society it does.

You may be asking yourself, “okay I get this but what is the point?.”

 

Ahem, right. 🙂 Getting to the point: staying focused and keeping my thoughts organized is one of the challenges I am working on at the moment.  My point is I have to remind myself I am more than just the conglomeration of medical/psychological diagnoses attached to my file. I also have to remind myself that when I hear,”How are you feeling” or “Get better” it is coming from a place of compassion. Even though to me its a reminder that I struggle everyday to get out of bed and go to work. Maybe it should be a reminder of YES! I get out of bed everyday and I go to work!

 

But my thoughts can’t help but directly to: What happens when I can’t? And that my friends, is the scariest thought to me…

I found this on Facebook the other day and it really resonated with me…I hope it resonates with someone out there too 🙂

 

important

Today of all days…

Hi everyone who may be reading this. Sorry about the delay. The lovely symptom/result of a TBI is a thing called flooding. Flooding for TBI survivors is not far from what may be picturing in your mind. Imagine a flood where water is everywhere and houses are submerged almost to their rooftops. The water is all the information a TBI survivors brain is trying to process( the light overhead buzzing, indistinct chatter around you in a busy place, how bright a room is etc…) along with anything else you are trying to do in that moment (walk to the store, attend in class, watching a movie…etc) It leaves you mentally and physically exhausted. Recovery time is hours or sometimes even days. (more…)

Roadblocks

Welp, today was another roadblock, no not physical pain, but emotional this time. It is so hard to know/feel your emotions are real after a TBI. I feel I get emotional all the time, even with medication. The things that calm meant help me cope are not available as my physical pain is roadblocking me from doing that as well. I feel like I am stuck in a vortex of my feelings just sinking to the bottom. Sometimes I can grab on to a stationary object and hold on for dear life and ride out the storm. Other days I feel like I am the storm and I just blow around and watch everyone duck and cover. Both are equally exhausting and defeating.

I wonder if this is common? I do not like reading online. I guess according to all these sites out there I should have been dead, so that really does not tell me much other than to be grateful to be alive.

Which I am. I really am. 

Sometimes I hear from people that know me well, I don’t know how you made it this far?The truth this, I don’t even know. One foot in front of the other. You trip and fall on your face, brush yourself off,  clean your face, spit the dirt out and try again. I am laying on the floor this time with a mouth full of dirt and wondering if its worth getting up again… is it?

Kristallnacht

How many nights can be like this?
Not a single cloud in the sky,
Alone with this feeling of bliss?
Silent, I do not dare utter a word.
This is all just an internal dialogue,
So my soul alone can be heard.
While looking at the sky in my silent delight,
Wondering simply how and why,
This mindfulness came to me on this crystal night.

Swaying Treetops

Today was a bad pain day… good thing I get my spine injection tomorrow. You would not think that someone would look forward to this but the relief is so worth it. I get them every three months and it allows me to function and get around with lower grade pain. Hey any relief is good right? Pain does not always come in physical form for me , but today was definitely it.

But I digress, the title of this post is a poem I wrote for my dear friend Jandaya when she took her life June 2003. She always kept her pain silent. She is one of the reasons I decided to try my hand at blogging again. She would always tell me how cathartic it was to have one. I wish there was a way to have kept her blog.

 

This is a picture of the beautiful bird she was named after: The Jandaya Conurejenday-in-flight-avian-resources

Swaying Treetops

The wind seems to speak
Verses of poetry
As it careens through
The swaying treetops

There flies a beautiful bird
That shares your name
See how zephyrs bring her
To insurmountable heights

Now I cannot see atop
Of these esoteric trees
From where I stand
Way down by their roots

One day I can only hope to see
My beautiful bird one again
When we are soaring with the wind
Above the swaying treetops

Together.

Love you ❤  My sweet angel.

Perfect Imperfections

Most people try to conceal their imperfections. Society has hammered into our heads that we are to be perfect( or at least hold the facade that we are). We all fail to be perfect because, alas we are human! But what we are missing is the fact that what we perceive as a intrinsic flaw maybe the thing that someone holds dear about you.

Ever notice when you are at a store or browsing through a catalogue, if something is hand made it has a little caveat stating” Item may be have slight imperfections due to the nature of being hand made” But that is why we love hand made products, because they are unique!

All I am saying, is instead of expending countless amounts of energy concealing our “imperfections” we should treat them as we would a rare handmade scarf, or handcrafted furniture.( or any other rare treasure that comes to your mind) Celebrating its little imperfections as a showcase for being different.

So I am going to end this entry on something I say to myself whenever I get sucked into trying to be perfect…
I am perfectly imperfect and that is perfectly okay.